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4 Simple Reasons That Prove Edward Cullen Isn’t Gay

4. Sparkling - Okay, let’s tackle the key argument used to assert Edward’s gaydom. Since when was glitter a staple of gay fashion? Prom Queens, maybe. Drag Queens, probably. Five year old girls, most definitely. But gay blokes? If we’re going by the stereotypes of gay men being fashion conscious, they aren’t going to go near glitter. There is a reason it’s called the herpes of craft supplies! It’s also not very in season or very versatile for a quick change from daywear to eveningwear. Also, isn’t excessive shininess and bling normally associated with (excessively) straight rapper-types?

3. Perpetual high-schooler - I mean, this one is obvious. For an unfortunate number of queer teens, high school is the worst time of their life. What idiot of a gay vampire chooses to spend his immortality attending school? I don’t even think this is a gay thing - what kind of idiot-full-stop wants to go to high schools through the ages, facing the same shit in a different package year after year, decade after decade? And after a few hundred years, what the hell can you learn at a school, anyway? How is it going to be of anymore use than looking for jailbait bloodbags?

2.  Lack of gayness - The book is practically 0% homoerotic. Seriously, even if you’re looking for it. Are we surprised, considering the widely-assumed view that’s it’s mormon propaganda? Anyhow, in the book and the film there’s lots of half naked not-werewolves and stuff, and Edward can only make hungry eyes at the moody leading lady.

1. Bella - plain and simply, Bella is the biggest reason it’s obvious sparklypants isn’t batting for our team. What self respecting gay guy do you know who would put up with her bullshit? The washed-out emogirl looks, the pouty bottom lip, the utterly pathetic self pity. No self respecting gay dude I know would put up with that as a fag hag/beard/best friend (whatever the gay-say-ers think Bella is to Edward). If he was gay - and along the more camp end, considering his glittery/sparkly tendencies seem to be the key point of evidence to his gayness - he’d of given her a piece of his mind and told her to get her shit together. He might of given her some fashion tips too, and he’d of definitely told her to cheer the fuck up. Oh, there’s also the fact he wants to boink her and she has a vagina. She’s a chick - since when, even under the most fluid labels, did ‘gay dude’ equal bonking the ladies?

(a LGBT Laughs Original)