4 Simple Reasons That Prove Edward Cullen Isn’t Gay

4. Sparkling - Okay, let’s tackle the key argument used to assert Edward’s gaydom. Since when was glitter a staple of gay fashion? Prom Queens, maybe. Drag Queens, probably. Five year old girls, most definitely. But gay blokes? If we’re going by the stereotypes of gay men being fashion conscious, they aren’t going to go near glitter. There is a reason it’s called the herpes of craft supplies! It’s also not very in season or very versatile for a quick change from daywear to eveningwear. Also, isn’t excessive shininess and bling normally associated with (excessively) straight rapper-types?

3. Perpetual high-schooler - I mean, this one is obvious. For an unfortunate number of queer teens, high school is the worst time of their life. What idiot of a gay vampire chooses to spend his immortality attending school? I don’t even think this is a gay thing - what kind of idiot-full-stop wants to go to high schools through the ages, facing the same shit in a different package year after year, decade after decade? And after a few hundred years, what the hell can you learn at a school, anyway? How is it going to be of anymore use than looking for jailbait bloodbags?

2.  Lack of gayness - The book is practically 0% homoerotic. Seriously, even if you’re looking for it. Are we surprised, considering the widely-assumed view that’s it’s mormon propaganda? Anyhow, in the book and the film there’s lots of half naked not-werewolves and stuff, and Edward can only make hungry eyes at the moody leading lady.

1. Bella - plain and simply, Bella is the biggest reason it’s obvious sparklypants isn’t batting for our team. What self respecting gay guy do you know who would put up with her bullshit? The washed-out emogirl looks, the pouty bottom lip, the utterly pathetic self pity. No self respecting gay dude I know would put up with that as a fag hag/beard/best friend (whatever the gay-say-ers think Bella is to Edward). If he was gay - and along the more camp end, considering his glittery/sparkly tendencies seem to be the key point of evidence to his gayness - he’d of given her a piece of his mind and told her to get her shit together. He might of given her some fashion tips too, and he’d of definitely told her to cheer the fuck up. Oh, there’s also the fact he wants to boink her and she has a vagina. She’s a chick - since when, even under the most fluid labels, did ‘gay dude’ equal bonking the ladies?

(a LGBT Laughs Original)

Best Top Ten ‘Consequences’ of Gay Marriage

panem-et-circenses:

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans…

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy, like in the US, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

5) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

4) Being gay is not natural. People always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

1) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.


I thank the community of LiveJournal for bringing these serious issues to my attention. ;)

This is an oldie but a goodie :)